Wow, it has been longer than I planned on writing here. I have been trying to get some more control over my health and some inspiration. I have been trying to spend time outside (Weather Permitting). I have a vegetable garden that I have been expanding and learning how to preserve the goodies grown there. I am also trying to figure out how to figure out my worth. Everyone seems to want you to know exactly who you are and what you want from life, but what happens when you don’t know?!
As this website is titled I am trying to discover who I am. I am learning that I really have changed over the years in good and bad ways. I changed to try to make people around me happy, but I lost myself in the process. Some of the changes I think happen naturally as part of being a parent and a mother. Without really trying to I lost myself in being a parent. Don’t get me wrong it should happen, but when you are at the point when your child becomes an adult and doesn’t need you the same it leaves you wondering about what is next in your life. I am left trying to figure out what is important to me and how to feel like I am valuable now. I can look back on who I have been through the years and the different stages of my life. I have been and I am a daughter, sister, college student, ex-wife, single, married, wife, mother, woman, but who am I as a person besides those titles. I don’t always feel I am a great friend and I get lost in books and gardening. I am trying to get better at cooking and listening to my body, mind and soul. I feel lost most of the time, set astray in the world. In life everyone wants you to feel certain ways and in this day and age want you to be more in touch with who we are, but I find that there isn’t really a guide on how. There are therapists and counselors even life coaches, but feel like no-one reminds people that you don’t have to settle for any of them. I have seen my share of counseling and therapists in my life. When I was younger I just felt confused by them and didn’t find them that helpful, but I hadn’t learned how to actually use talking to someone. I always let them guide the topics. Now I know what I need more than I did before. I still don’t have answers for what I want in my life, but I have a list of what I don’t want. I am hoping that by keep addressing my thoughts here that maybe it will help me. I learned years ago that you never know how you can help someone. Sometimes simply telling your story helps others. You never know what someone is going through. Some of the things that you say can inspire or make someone look at things differently. The first time I had it happen to me I was dumbfounded. I had been in a doctor’s waiting room. I don’t even remember how the conversation started with the gentleman, but we were talking about why we were there. It happened to be a Hematologist/Oncologist office. I was in my thirties and there for my routine bloodwork for my treatment (an Immune disease). He got called back and I was still waiting. He went back and then a few minutes later he came back to the door and said to me that I had helped him and he wanted to thank me. He then went on the tell me that he had just been diagnosed with cancer and he was in his late fifties. He had felt defeated and was thinking that he wasn’t going to fight it, but after talking to me and what I was going through at my age that he decided that it was worth a shot or to at least to look into fighting it. He told me that I helped him in a time he didn’t think that anyone could, just by telling him my story. I never realized how much just simply sharing my story could help others. There have now been many times over the years where I have had similar situations happen. I have been to many hospitals in a few states for different specialist and talked with people in the waiting rooms. I have also had my own doctors ask if I minded then giving my number to other patients as I am willing to talk about my journey. I am always willing as I hope that maybe I can help someone not feel so alone or overwhelmed. As I write this I am sitting here thinking that maybe that is something that I never thought about, I felt so overwhelmed when I started with my health issues. I didn’t have someone there who could understand what it felt like to be told no one knew or understood why the things were happening to me. I guess that part of me likes to feel helpful. I can only hope that the things I have been and am going through are happening to me so that maybe I can help someone else.
Discovering Myself 